Stones! Infinity Stones! I’ve got your genuine, bonafide Infinity Stones right here! Who needs ‘em? Step right up!
Well, hello there, sir! You’re a big man, aren’t you? You’re like if a big can of grape soda was a mall security guard. And I couldn't help but notice as you lumbered on up her that you'd already procured yourself an Infinity Gauntlet! You should be all set, so-- ay, ay, where you going? Sorry dude, most people like getting a bit roasted. But I can see you’re not most people. I can see you’re a man of refined taste. I can see you’re a man looking for some damn stones, no? Well look no longer, sir. I’ve got Infinity Stones and thensome. Your search ends today. What? Yeah, of course they’re real. You questioning my inventory, guy?
First thing’s first: you gotta get yourself one of these Space Stones. They’re made out of genuine… space. And you can make yourselves as many wormholes as you’s need. Just don’t come crawling to me when those wormies start crawling through the ground! Haha! Huh? Yes, of course I mean “actual wormholes”. What do you think I am, Mr. Strange over here? Sorry, you have another question? “Why are there a bunch of them?” You “assumed there would be just one of each stone”? That that’s “kind of what makes them special”? Uh... what if one of ‘em doesn’t work? Don’tcha want a spare? C’mon, guy, use your big purple noggin. Er, uh, sorry, just joshin’ your gauntlet.
Wanna bend the rules of physics? Turn your friends into Play-Doh? Then buddy, do I ever have a friggin’ stone for you’s. It only costs you a very reasonable 1800 dollars-- oh, you’re trying it right now? Wait, wait, I... okay, yes, I see that it didn’t turn me into Play-Doh just yet. That’s ‘cause you gotta, you know’s, do a system update. Yeah, that’s it. There’s some online terms and conditions you gotta agree to’s. These Infinity Stones, they’re basically shiny iPhones. Plus, I mean, I can’t sell you the rest of these stones if I’m Play-Doh, my guy! Right? Huh? Yeah, of course I’ll send you the link to the terms and conditions, pal. I definitely own a computer.
Ah, I get it. You’ve been looking at Star-Larry from the Guards of the Ga’hoole, and you’re like, “Damn, I want that bod!” This Power Stone is exactly what you need to get beefy quick. Before you know it, you’ll be strong as hell, dude. Carrying all your groceries in one trip? Piece of cake. Helping your friend move a sectional? No sweat. Wait, what’s that? You wanna be so strong that you can, like, punch through a planet? I... um... well, I’ll throw in some protein powder for free, but that’s about all I can do for you’s.
"Is that candy?" Buddy, you insult me. Of course this is candy. The tastiest, yummiest, most delicious candy you’d ever-- huh? You don’t want candy? You want an Infinity Stone that gives you control over time?
Of course this is an Infinity Stone! The tastiest, yummiest, most delicious Infinity Stone you’d ever need!
I get that I’m not the only stones guy on the market. But if you go elsewhere, it’s gonna be way harder, dude. That Red Skelton weirdo’s gonna pitch you hard. He’s gonna tell you it requires sacrifice. Emotional challenges. Ambiguous ruminations on whether your quest is worth the blah, blah, blah. Who has the time? With my soul stone, you don't have to kill what you love the most. You, ah, just have to cut down on some carbs. For like, a week. Easy peasy.
Okay, I’m not gonna lie to yous. This one… looks an awful lot like a banana. But it’s not, I swear! It’s a stone, guy, plain and simples! It was just, uh, you knows, transformified to look like a banana. Who transformified it? Ah, I, uh... Bloki. Yeah, that’s right. Bloki. You know, the devil-man from Ass-Guard? Bloki did it! I swears! He’s a tricky little boy!
So there you have it! All the real, bonafide, genuine Infinity Blocks-- whoops, sorry, Stones, I definitely know they’re called Stones-- you could ever need. Oh, and of course naturally there’s no refund policy, so no need to complain to me if things go a little hinkey-doo. Just, uh, I dunno, shake ‘em a bit.
Wait a minute. Holy cow. They, they actually fit in that glove? I mean-- of course they fit in the glove, I, I knew that. Hey, why are you’s snapping?
Oh... I, uh... I don’t feel so good’s... tell my family... the only thing I regret is... I wish I sold more bootleg shi--
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